Another Mother's Day passes. At 37 years old, it is not a day I received breakfast in bed, flowers or coupon books for "free hugs" or "washing the dishes." I was at an 8 hour rehearsal for an incredible upcoming production titled "Veteranos." I have MANY titles: sister, daughter, artist, activist, mentor, and "mother" to countless number of young people who I have taught, mentored and literally helped raise over the last 20 years of my career, yet "Mommy" is not one of them.Some folks feel sorry for me that I have not experienced the joy of Motherhood. Some envy my "free time" and that I can take a shower without someone pounding down the door. Some can't fathom that I have "chosen" my career over the gift of children. Here is a little clarity-
1. "You don't have much time left."
I am very clear that my child bearing years are coming to an end. We are reminded- monthly. There are many a times I think, "Was that my last egg?" We do enough "reminding" for ourselves.
2. "A job is never as important as your children."
Exactly. Which is why I don't have biological children yet. If and when the time comes my child/ren WILL be my priority. I would not be able to keep up the demanding schedule I have now and be present in the lives of my children the way I know I would want to be.*Note to #2- I don't have a "job," it is my life's work. A creative being can't just "clock out" and it will NEVER be a 9-5.
3. A year down equals 5 years as a professional female artist.
If a man is going to be a father he can continue to audition and work as usual. Once a woman starts showing she can't audition for roles for a character who is not prego (unless you are Kerry Washington and the script and camera shots are written so you can continue to film- oh and you are the STAR of the show). Months of pregnancy, baby is born THEN you have to not only get back to pre-baby weight but look even BETTER because now 10 months later…you are a year older as well.
4. "Get a regular job so you can have a baby."
I am not married and self supporting. My art is not only what feeds my soul, but how I feed my face, pay my bills and sustain. I would be miserable in a career that didn't fit my passion and destiny. I would be a depressed mother to my kid.
5. It IS a sensitive issue.
Don't assume a female artist in her later 30's/early 40's doesn't WANT kids or respect the incredible sacrifices mothers make to be "moms." We go back and forth DAILY. It is one of the biggest decisions and commitments we make in our lives. There are many factors that play in. Plus you may not know the history of the female artist. Maybe she CAN'T have kids. Maybe she has had a miscarriage. You don't know what you don't know, don't assume.
6. Biological kids or not…I AM a "Mother."
My Buela, who raised me was not able to conceive. Yet, she was the most nurturing, "motherly" person I know and raised MANY children throughout her life. I am honored and blessed to have touched the lives of so many young people throughout my career. Referred to as "Mom, Ma, Dance Mama, Madrina etc." I have baptized, been maid of honor, confirmation sponsor, Quince's galore, family functions, high school graduations, college graduations, career planning- I have been a part of it ALL! Many incredible experiences and relationships that I may not have been able to have had I had a family of my own before now.
It's not about a "Career vs. Family" discussion, and trust me it is not an easy feat. It is about balance, timing and fulfilling our artistic destiny and being the best Mom we can be and that our kids would deserve. 37 years came quick! As I look back on the last 20 years I have traveled the world, created amazing art, contributed to my community and have loved "my kids." I DO want a family but have accepted that if it is meant to be it will happen, and in its right time. If it isn't meant to be, I will have had a pretty fulfilling life as well.
So if next Mother's Day you come across an aging female artist, who isn't a Mother, don't ask questions, give a lecture or a look of pity. Give a smile, a hug and ask her what she has been up to. I guarantee you she has been "birthing" some really creative art.
